Suburban Drag Racing, Vol. 13, Issue 7

Dear Etiquetteer: Justin Bieber has gotten himself into trouble drag racing in Florida. I feel sure he could have managed this better if you provided a few pointers on how to behave correctly in these circumstances. Just how DOES one drag race correctly in suburbia?

Dear Provocateur:

First of all before you get started, permission from the homeowner's association (HOA) is absolutely essential if you're in one of those gated communities. If no HOA is involved, be sure to get a racing permit from City Hall or the local Department of Motor Vehicles. Omitting these important steps could get one into a lot of trouble, as Mr. Bieber has discovered.

Next, some concern should be given to one's wardrobe. Perfectly Proper racing apparel absolutely includes a helmet with goggles, brown leather jacket, leather driving gloves, and white silk scarf. Etiquetteer very much recommends not wearing anything that could be mistaken for a prison jumpsuit. Orange may be the new black, but not for Best Society.

Even with a permit and everything, local laws about driving under the influence will still apply; when you go back and look at that permit, Etiquetteer'll bet there's no checkbox for "waiver of Driving While Impaired laws." So Neely O'Hara-style consumption for drag racing just is NOT Perfectly Proper.

Drag racing attracts attention, so it's important not to be surprised if local law enforcement suddenly appears to take an interest - especially if one hasn't already gotten permission (see above). Once THEY appear, only your Best Behavior will do. The police expect complete obedience, if not respect, but they will certainly not be inclined to assist you if you use Bad Language and fail to cooperate.

Last but not least, foreign nationals should be absolutely sure that their paperwork is in perfect order. One never knows when deportation might become an issue.*

The discerning among you will have understood by this time that Etiquetteer takes a dim view of this particular situation.

* If Mr. Bieber is, in fact, deported over this Unfortunate Incident, Etiquetteer can envision phalanxes of Beliebers descending on the White House in protest. Since most of them aren't yet of voting age, it will likely make no difference.

Random Issues, Vol. 7, Issue 4

Dear Etiquetteer: I work at a non-profit with a group of volunteers who are old enough to be my parents. We all have a strong professional relationship, but that’s all it is, professional. We don’t socialize in any way outside meetings. A few months ago I got started on Facebook. It’s been great finding friends from old jobs and high school. But over the last week two of my volunteers have sent me friend requests. It may not sound very nice to say this, but I don’t want to be friends with them! Besides, there are parts of my life that are strictly social on Facebook and which don’t look at all professional. And I’d rather keep how I relate to my volunteers professional. How can I ignore their friend requests without hurting their feelings? Dear Faced Book: No one should have to socialize with business colleagues if they don’t want to. On the other hand, that’s more and more difficult with everyone putting comprehensive personal dossiers on social networking websites open to the world. Etiquetteer frequently wonders how surprised George Orwell would be that civilization has taken so willingly to the telescreen of "1984." Because no matter how much you think you control the access,nothing is private on the Internet. Etiquetteer can think of two solutions, neither of which seems ideal, but still workable. You could ignore the friend requests from your volunteers and hope they don’t say anything about to you. If they do (which Etiquetteer would find very rude) simply explain that you use Facebook for social networking and that you prefer to keep your relationship professional. Indeed, Etiquetteer sent a friend request to someone he knows both professionally and socially and was a little hurt when he realized that the Person In Question had blocked Etiquetteer from their profile. This made Etiquetteer realize that the professional relationship carried more weight than the social one, but Etiquetteer knew enough Perfect Propriety to Leave It At That. You could also make your volunteers friends using the "Limited Profile" option, which means you could control which aspects of your profile they get to see. For instance, Etiquetteer has no idea what sort of "social" photos you’re posting on Facebook. But the ability to tell someone has a piercing under their clothes is one thing; to be able to see the piercing in photos on line with lots of surrounding flesh is quite another! Etiquetteer highly recommends browsing through the Proper Facebook Etiquette Blog for even more information. Dear Etiquetteer: An acquaintance who formerly has been in trouble with the law for drugs has been incarcerated for several months but has not revealed what he was convicted of. If he was an accessory for a murder, for example, I might not want to stay friends with him! What is the diplomatic way to find out what he's been serving time for? Dear Innocent Bystander: The most diplomatic way would not be through your friend or his/her legal representative. Etiquetteer suspects that this would be a matter of public record. Check with the Department of Public Records or the police to see what they have on your friend. Only you can decide whether or not to retain the friendship after you discover the crime of which your friend was convicted. Etiquette does not compel one to maintain friendships when one no longer wishes to maintain them. Should you decide to sever all contact, stop contacting him/her, and don’t respond. Back in December  Etiquetteer was privileged to be invited to a Hanukkah party for the very  first time. It was a beautiful occasion (Etiquetteer was delighted to discover  that fried foods are an important part of this holiday) and it was also the  first time Etiquetteer had heard anyone refer to a yarmulke as a "lid." Reflecting  on that today recalled a scene from Etiquetteer’s early career when he was  called upon to attend a funeral at a Jewish funeral home. Etiquetteer will  confess to having been puzzled when the usher handed him a yarmulke; after  all, Etiquetteer looks unmistakably like goyim. But not wanting to show disrespect,  Etiquetteer slipped it on and took a seat. Later during the service, Etiquetteer  was nonplussed to find himself the subject of snickering from the back of  the room. Two colleagues, who later confessed that they were "herbally enhanced," found it hilarious to see such an obvious non-Jew wearing a yarmulke.From this memory of his twenties, Etiquetteer derives two lessons in Perfect Propriety:  1) If you’re not Jewish, don’t wear a yarmulke, and 2) don't get stoned out of your mind before the funeral.

Jury Duty, the Queen, and Lady Bird, Vol. 6, Issue 23

Etiquetteer has been gravely disappointed in three recent news stories that show how Perfect Propriety is being compromised in the courtroom, ostensibly one of the last places any kind of Dignity is required in public. Too many Americans consider only their rights and not their duties as citizens. The right to vote, for instance, involves the duty of actually showing up at the polls to vote. Trial by jury is one of the most valuable freedoms we have in the United States. Jury duty, though frequently inconvenient, should therefore be treated respectfully. All of us have heard stories about how sundry citizens have tried to get out of jury duty, but the blatant lying of Massachusetts resident Daniel Ellis left Etiquetteer breathless with indignation. Describing himself as a homophobe, a racist, and a habitual liar, Mr. Ellis overplayed his hand. ," Barnstable Superior Court Judge Gary Nickerson was quoted in the preliminary transcript saying he had "never confronted such a brazen situation of an individual attempting to avoid juror service." Having made it onto a jury, jurors then have a duty actually to pay attention to the trial and deliberate honestly and thoughtfully with fellow jurors. Using a court trial as a chance to catch up on your iPod listening is shocking. Cloaking this bad behavior with religious headgear comes as close to heresy as Etiquetteer can imagine. But this is exactly what an unnamed Muslim woman did while serving on a jury in Blackfriars Central Court, London. Under cover of her hijab, this Reluctant Juror tuned out the trial and tuned in the Music of Her Choice. Undone by the sound leaking out (one would think she’d have thought of that), she has now been cited for contempt of court and comes to a trial of her own on July 23. Etiquetteer hopes that both of these jury shirkers get clapped in jail. As if these instances didn’t compromise Perfect Propriety enough, comes now the story of Hamilton County (Ohio) Municipal Court Judge Ted Berry. When a hearty F-bomb was dropped on him by a convicted pothead sentenced to 30 days, Judge Berry unfortunately responded in kind. While sympathizing with the judge, who was clearly provoked, Etiquetteer cannot condone that sort of behavior from one whose manners set the tone for the entire courtroom. Dear Etiquetteer: How does one properly ask a crowned head of state to remove his or her crown? Dear Saucy: One does not! Off with your head! Etiquetteer knows (as who could not?) that you refer to the alleged tiff between Elizabeth II and Annie Liebowitz. Thank goodness it was determined that it never occurred and that the docuumentary had been edited out of sequence and that Her Majesty didn’t really behave that way. Etiquetteer was irresistibly reminded of the Queen’s ancestress, Queen Victoria, who once ordered a photographer from the room when he instructed her to "try to look pleasant." Etiquetteer was saddened to read of the death of Lady Bird Johnson, one of the most dignified and hospitable of First Ladies. Of the many challenges to Perfect Propriety she faced while in Washington, Etiquetteer could not help but recall her interaction with singer Eartha Kitt. Etiquetteer’s mother always said "When you lose your temper, you lose your point." La Kitt could have benefited from that knowledge during one of Lady Bird’s "Women Doers" luncheons at the White House. (How quaint it must have sounded, in those far-off days of the 1960s, that women could do anything. Thank goodness we’ve seen some progress on that front!) Using the luncheon’s topic of "crime in the city" as an opportunity sound off about the Vietnam War, La Kitt angrily suggested that young Americans were smoking pot to keep from getting drafted. During this tirade, Lady Bird successfully suppressed the visceral urge to respond and instead reminded herself "Be calm, be dignified." Indeed, what better reminder for us all? Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify <at> etiquetteer.com.

Intrusive Fragrances and Other Matters, Vol. 4, Issue 39

Dear Etiquetteer:How does one, if one does, tell a friend who's a Radical Faerie, back-to-nature type, that their not using antiperspirant or mouthwash as a matter of principle leads to their often not smelling their best? How does one tell a friend who does too much marijuana that their getting stoned leads to their exhibiting unpredictable, unpleasant behavior, and that one would rather they did not get stoned around one? Dear Affronted: Well, you can bet that Dorothy Parker never had to deal with situations like these.Why does one have such friends in the first place? By this Etiquetteer does not mean pagans, rustics, or those willing to act on principle, but those who exhibit antisocial behavior. Etiquetteer doesn’t really care how people do it, but everyone is responsible for managing their own personal odor. Deity of Your Choice above, hasn’t this person even heard of patchouli oil?!This is a tough one, and no mistake. Aside from holding a conversation with a handkerchief over your nose and mouth – "I’m sorry, but it smells like they must be burning leaves at the bottom of the garden, or a skunk, or maybe the toilet backed up again, etc."" – Etiquetteer is at a loss. This is exactly the sort of person who should be given heavily scented soaps on all holidays. As for your spleef-toking friend, you communicate your displeasure by leaving the instant he or she lights up a joint. If this behavior takes place in your own home, you have an obligation to yourself to insist that he or she snuff it. Many don’t believe it, but both these situations can be handled politely. In the first case, plead headache, as in "Oh, I’m sorry I have to go, but the pot fumes give me a migraine." In the second, simply remind the pothead that smoking isn’t permitted in your home. Dear Etiquetteer: Is it appropriate to engage a well-known politician regarding his (to me) odious policies when he is attending a wedding as a guest?Specifically, should I find myself at a wedding at which Mitt Romney is present, may I approach him, politely, and inform him that I am one voter who strongly opposes his policies toward gays? That is, his support for the odious attempt to amend the Massachusetts constitution to overturn the court's requirement to extend marriage rights to gay men and women? And I should mention that this is a straight wedding, between previously divorced bride and groom. Dear Wedding Guest: Oddly enough, your letter irresistibly reminded Etiquetteer of the late Merle Oberon as she appeared in The Scarlet Pimpernel, saying to the Prince of Wales "Ah, but even a goddess must have moments when she is just a plain woman." (Really, Etiquetteer doesn’t know why don’t run out and rent this movie at once.) Which is to say that it’s highly unlikely that the governor is attending in the official of role of governor, but merely as a private person who is a friend of the Happy Couple. As odious as you find the governor’s policies to be, Etiquetteer would encourage you to respect your hosts and the occasion by not raising the issue. Should you be introduced to the governor, you might always write a Letter of Outrage and send it along to his office the next day. Now, if you end up chatting with the governor and he raises the topic himself, well, it’s open season and he deserves what he gets. Dear Etiquetteer:Is there any appropriate way to ask a person of multicultural/bi-racial background what their ancestry is about, without seeming prying, overly curious, or, worst of all, somehow racist?Dear Prying and Overly Curious But Probably Not Somehow Racist:No, so mind your own business. Etiquetteer cordially invites you to join the notify list if you would like to know as soon as new columns are posted. Join by sending e-mail to notify@etiquetteer.com.

Three Etiquette Books, Vol. 4, Issue 35

OK, it’s True Confessions Time for Etiquetteer: Etiquetteer just loves Ebay. And in the last little while Etiquetteer has picked up quite a few unusual little etiquette books – some serious, some humorous – for different niches of American society. Etiquetteer thought you might be interested in some of these titles:

COWBOY ETIQUETTE, by Texas Bix Bender (2003): Essentially a book of one-liners, Cowboy Etiquette captures kernels of truth and common sense in an ostentatiously "aw-shucks" homespun manner. But there’s advice for almost every situation, from "When served escargot, pour salt on it and forget it. It will melt while you wait for the next course" and "When you’re standing in line, and it’s a long one, take it like a man" to "Aftershave is not a marinade" and "If you have to tell someone you’re just kiddin’, maybe yer not." Cowboy Etiquette also includes an old-fashioned flip book cartoon of a rude cowboy dining with a lady that demonstrates most of the "don’ts" of cowboy manners.

THE POT SMOKER’S HANDBOOK TO ETIQUETTE, by C.L. Cory (1983): Etiquetteer has always said that good manners are needed in every situation, and yet how to interact with your dealer and how to pass a joint never even entered Etiquetteer’s mind or mailbox. Crudely illustrated by Mike Price (possibly while stoned), The Pot Smoker’s Handbook to Etiquette came from the author’s observation that "The habits and traditions that have crept up the social ladder with the availability to obtain and make use of drugs, are to say the least, unpolished." Chapters of this "strictly fictional and . . . simply designed to entertain" paperback will guide the reader in Proper Purchasing Techniques, how to smoke ("Don’t eat the roach unless hungry"), and how to be the perfect guest or host.

Etiquetteer was most amused by the issue of munchies, apparently an essential component in gatherings of smokers. Guests are instructed never to ask for refreshments, but only to suggest sending out for Chinese food. Hosts are instructed to use the Chinese food hints as their cue to bring out munchies, which they should prepare ahead of time. Etiquetteer thinks that the Pot Smoker’s Chinese Food Euphemism is darn near worthy of Edith Wharton Herself when it comes to the language of indirection.

SYDNEY BIDDLE BARROWS MAYFLOWER MANNERS: ETIQUETTE FOR CONSENTING ADULTS, by Sydney Biddle Barrows and Ellis Weiner (1990): Here’s another book full of Perfect Propriety for Sordid Circumstances, this one directly from the Mayflower Madam Herself, Sydney Biddle Barrows. Among other things, the authors offer sage advice on how to engage an escort, correct your partner’s hygiene, decline an invitation to perform an act you aren’t comfortable with, and converse with someone you met through a dating service.

The book is peppered with amusing footnotes as well as killingly funny charts contrasting old and new manners; "Curbside Comments: Suggested Good Manners for Construction Workers and Their Targets" will leave you howling. The authors treat their subject with a wit and style similar to Etiquetteer’s own; what a pity Etiquetteer isn’t modest enough not to mention it . . .

What’s cute about all this is that Mayflower Manners was published before the Internet revolutionized dating and its attendant services. Indeed, personal answering machines were just making the scene then. References to yuppies, Filofaxes, and the "Ms. vs. Mrs." debate brought Etiquetteer back to the good parts of the 1980s.