Protest is what happens when manners are not enough to bring about positive change.
You may have noticed that Etiquetteer has not been active for the last couple weeks. It has been difficult to find the best words to express myself, and especially at this time, better to say nothing than to express something badly. Let’s face it, a lot of what Etiquetteer has to write about is entirely frivolous, and frivolity has no place in the current conversation. I admire those blessed with instant eloquence, but I don’t have it. I have had to take a more contemplative approach.
Let’s begin with the most important statement: Black lives matter more than manners. Protest is what happens when manners aren’t enough. If you’re protesting for positive change, for the end of systemic racism, for the end of police brutality, for Justice for George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery - keep doing what you’re doing. Whether you’re marching, writing, donating, educating yourself, registering voters for Election Day**, keep doing it. All Etiquetteer would ask is that, if you’re out and about, please wear a mask to protect from the coronavirus. Your health has value, and so does the health of everyone with you.
Manners are the oil that smooth our path and make our daily interactions with others easier. At least when they work well, when everyone is playing the game and treating everyone else with dignity and respect and consideration and kindness. Everyone. But let’s look at our current cultural moment*. Protests against racism, against the murder of black citizens by police (it cannot be called anything but murder), have captured the consciousness of the nation even more than the coronavirus pandemic. A friend once quoted Travis Nichols’ Punk Rock Etiquette***: “Etiquette is how you play along with the power structure.” The black community and their allies of all races haven’t seen any change in police brutality or systemic racism in spite of their efforts. And now, rightly, they are protesting. And finally, slowly, change is starting to happen. But it took protest, not manners, to get to this place.
When the superstructure of Form grows too big for the foundation of Function, the structure topples. The court of Versailles was the pinnacle of etiquette in the 18th century. But they ignored the suffering of the people, and their gilded disregard was overthrown by revolution. The autocracy of the Romanovs dominated Russia for 300 years. But they suppressed, often brutally, any expression of outrage or criticism, and their bejeweled disregard was overthrown by revolution.
Big societal change is coming; it’s felt everywhere. The coronavirus pandemic has already brought lasting change to how we entertain, work, shop, worship, show respect for science, and consideration for others — and we still don’t know what all those changes are or how they’ll impact our future. The statues are being toppled, just as they were in previous revolutions.
Etiquetteer does not want to see the statues of Etiquette and Manners toppled into the sea. We will still need them in our daily lives. But Etiquetteer can see them being remodeled to substitute that Dismissive Sneer over a teacup that too many people have experienced into a more Kindly Smile that invites everyone to the tea table.
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Etiquetteer is learning along wth everyone else during this Time of Impending Change. Mistakes will be made. People will call you out on them, often unkindly. Absorb the lessons and move on.
First and foremost, speak your truth. But if you don’t know what to say, listen. I hear you, everyone sharing the "Silence is violence” message, and I applaud your certainty in knowing how best you want to communicate what you want to say. But to say nothing publicly and be active behind the scenes is better than expressing something badly and being pilloried by the internet.
Next, keep moving forward. Nil bastardum carborundum!
Finally, don’t feed the trolls! This is especially important on Twitter, that social media cesspool infested with bots.
People are hurting. People are angry. We are on the brink of permanent change, not only because of the coronavirus, but because of the new awareness that we didn’t all share the same “normal.” What was normal for some was actively unsafe, miserable, and unsustainable for many others. The next version of normal that comes out of this year must offer safety, stability, and kindness for all of us.
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*”Don’t say ‘cultural moment!’” a friend said to Etiquetteer. “It implies that the moment will pass without having made any change.” Etiquetteer begs to disagree; this cultural moment is beginning a new era.
**This could be one of the most important ways to get involved!
***If you happen to have a copy, could you please verify this quote? Thank you kindly.