Etiquetteer was delighted last month to present a webinar program for professionals in philanthropy called “Best Face Forward” for Donor Search in Washington, DC. Today’s column elaborates on questions and feedback from issues raised in that program.
CORRESPONDENCE
The handwritten Lovely Note remains an important personal touch in correspondence, philathropic or otherwise. One participant raised the important factor of limited ability.
Question: “I used to send handwritten thank-you notes. However, last year I broke a finger on my dominant hand and signing my name to letters is possible, but it is hard for me to write whole notes by hand.”
It’s important to do what you’re able to do, and if your injury has limited you only to signing your name, please continue to do that. A more involved solution might be to create a digital font based on your handwriting. Short of that, when working on letters going to larger audiences (for instance, an annual stewardship update to a donor society), you might be able to add a merge field in which to include individual messages. (Questions about how to do this are best directed to your tech support colleagues, not Etiquetteer.)
Question: “Please talk about a salutation for married couples. No longer, it seems, can we go by the standard Mr. and Mrs. When in doubt, what do you recommend?”
Question: “What about addressing envelopes to donors you haven't met? Use old-school (Mr. and Mrs. John Doe), informal (John and Jane Doe), or other? In this case, what was previously considered the norm is now experienced by many women as discourteous. But being too familiar may be experienced as discourteous by older donors.”
Indeed, “Mr. and Mrs. Man’s Name” often causes unintended offense. Today the safest approach is to give each person his or her own line in the address, in alphabetical order by last name:
Ms. Joan Jones (or Ms. Joan Michaels if she uses her husband’s name)
Mr. Michael Michaels
123 Uppington Street
Uppington, CT 00000
The formal salutation in a letter would appear “Dear Ms. Jones and Mr. Michaels.” If you have already met them you may use first names in the salutation, “Dear Joan and Michael.”
Question: “What factors determine addressing envelopes using Mr. & Mrs. John Smith vs. John and Mary Smith?”
Personal preference first, and then the type of correspondence being sent. If the addressees have already expressed a strong preference for “John and Mary Smith,” then that’s what you should use whether you’re sending thanks for a large gift or an invitation to a barbecue. Otherwise, casual invitations may be sent without honorifics, but most business correspondence should include them.
FORMS OF ADDRESS
Question: “Do you find that the level of formality when addressing individuals varies from region to region around the country? Or, based on the type of organization you represent? I'm from New England which I find much more formal than California, where I presently live.”
Comment from Another Participant: “I grew up in Georgia where using Ma'am and Sir was very common and a sign of respect, and then I moved to the Pacific Northwest. I observed that people do not expect those forms of address and take it almost as an insult as though you are "aging" them. I can't speak to the rest of the country, but that was a big transition for me to stop calling people sir or ma'am, as I learned that people did not like it.”
Etiquetteer can’t claim to have made a study of American regional preferences, but adapting to local custom, especially if you are “from away,” demonstrates a desire to be an active, respectful member of the community. Shifting gears can feel clunky, especially when the customs of your new home are contrary your raising. Persevere!
That said, Etiquetteer gives short shrift to Those People - mostly ladies in Etiquetteer’s experience - who protest being addressed as Ma’am or Sir. “I’m not that old!” they say. This is when Etiquetteer starts to channel the late Baby Jane Hudson: “But ya AH, Blanche! Ya AH that old!” Our collective preoccupation with Eternal Youth is both ridiculous and ill-fated. Just look at the late Duchess of Alba! Sir and Ma’am are long established, time-honored salutations of respect. If you want to be treated with respect when you’re really old, grin and bear it now.
PERSONAL PRONOUNS
Question: “How do you use a formal address (e.g. sir, ma'am) if you want to be sensitive to pronouns and not assume someone's gender?”
Question: “On the pronoun topic: How to you feel about preferred pronouns on event nametags?”
The changing universe of personal pronouns, along with the new gender-neutral honorific Mx., is perhaps the most revolutionary change in etiquette since the advent of the honorific Ms. in the 1970s*. And like that battle, there are proponents and opponents of New Pronoun Usage, each sometimes moved to Strong Emotion. In the United States this is seen most on college campuses and in some religious denominations.
If unsure of someone’s preferred pronouns, ask what pronouns they prefer. There doesn’t seem to be a nonbinary/gender-neutral substitute for Sir or M'a’am yet, but there is a very interesting trans style guide over at Medium that could be of great assistance.
As to nametags, while a growing number of people are comfortable having their preferred pronouns on nametags**, as many (or more) are not. Assess your organization’s goals, mission, etc., as well as the general makeup of your guest list and make the choice that will feel right to the greatest number of people. But if you’re going to include them, be sure to include everyone’s. If not, consider leaving a space so that attendees can add their own if they wish.
OTHER TOPICS
Question: “If a donor has a misconception about something that has happened in the organization and is angry, how do you correct the misinformation and diffuse the anger without sounding defensive?”
One of the privileges of being a donor is that the organization has to hear you out when you’re unhappy about something. As a staff member working with donors, it’s important first to acknowledge the emotion being expressed and why the donor is so strongly moved. You may also want to ask what information the donor received to form that particular misconception. Then, while continuing to acknowledge the donor’s feelings, share the truth and how what really happened fits in with your organization’s current mission or culture. The trick - and it isn’t always easy - is to do this by continuing to acknowledge how this person feels.
Question: “Should you stand up when two more senior men, or women, walk in to join the meeting?”
Once upon a time, socially, a gentleman always rose when a lady entered a room or left the table. Professionally, while respect is shown to rank regardless of gender, Etiquetteer finds it disruptive to stand when senior staff arrive at a meeting. Unless your boss stands up, keep your seat.
*Another obvious candidate for that role, however, is the exploding use of cell phones and other personal devices since the 1990s.
**A plea from Sinclair Sexsmith to include pronouns on nametags may be found on Medium.