Since Christmas Day has past but the New Year not yet reached, this is Etiquetteer’s traditional reminder that we are still in the Twelve Days of Christmas, so you may continue to send Christmas greeting cards up to Twelfth Night on January 6. Kwanzaa, which began December 26, ends January 1, so after New Year’s Day you’re out of luck with that holiday.
Did you get some nice greetings this year for the Holiday of Your Choice? Etiquetteer certainly did, as well as a few queries:
Dear Etiquetteer:
Once again this year, I got a Christmas card from a friend full of good wishes for the New Year but misspelling my name. I kinda don’t want to say anything, but it IS my NAME and it’s only spelled one way! Am I just being too sensitive or ungrateful, or what can I do to stop this?
Dear Misspelled:
Etiquetteer agrees with you that your name is important, and it deserves to be spelled correctly. Even the Second Mrs. DeWinter noted that Maxim DeWinter spelled her name correctly when he first wrote her a note (though we never learn what that name is) in Daphne du Maurier’s exquisite novel Rebecca. That means, of course, that you’re going to have to get more comfortable talking about how to spell it. Keeping silent is certainly not going to solve the problem.
The passive aggressive way to do this would be to sign all future correspondence with your last name in all caps, e.g. Mary SMYTHE. Subsequent misspellings could escalate this, e.g. Mary SMYTHE, NOT SMITHE, YOU INATTENTIVE NUMBSKULL. You’ll agree, Etiquetteer is sure, that this isn’t the most Perfectly Proper way to Get the Message Across.
Instead, a direct conversation needs to take place. Tell your friend how much you love receiving Christmas greetings, but that their card list need to be updated to reflect the correct spelling of your name. And next year, when you receive another misspelled card, repeat the message in a way that won’t make them feel like an inattentive numbskull, something along the lines of “Would you check your card list again to see if my name is there correctly? You know it’s really spelled Smythe and not Smithe.” Best wishes as you begin what often feels like a task of Sisyphus.
Dear Etiquetteer:
I’ve always enjoyed getting a holiday card from a particular person who includes a wonderful newsletter about their family. But I seem not to have received one this year, and maybe last year as well. We’re both active on the same social media platforms, and it’s pretty clear we hold opposing views on many subjects. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to maintain our friendship, and I know I still send her a card every year. I’m worried that I might have been cut from her list because my views aren’t the same. How could I ask about this?
Dear Uncarded:
Three years seems to be the generally accepted amount of time to drop someone from a card list if you haven’t received a card from them. Let’s use that as a Perfectly Proper Period to inquire. Next year at this time*, if you are absolutely certain sure that you didn’t get one again, Etiquetteer will allow you to ask your friend “I used to love getting your annual holiday newsletter! Are you still sending one out?” Don’t make it about your differing views. It’s entirely possible - indeed, much more likely - that the work involved in one of those letters just got to be too much.
You sound genuinely concerned, though, that your differing views might be having an impact on this friendship/relationship quite independent of holiday greetings. That is a separate issue entirely, and you may want to initiate a conversation about it before next year. This will probably go better in person, or at least voice to voice, not via social media or email. Express your affection for this person, acknowledge your different viewpoints (also perhaps acknowledging that neither of you will change the view of the other), and let them know that you don’t want those differences to separate you altogether. Etiquetteer hopes you will both benefit from a candid and loving discussion.
*Etiquetteer is going to assume that you really didn’t receive a card from this person last year, though you appear to be in doubt (which is quite understandable in the blizzard of holiday greetings that swirl about us every year).