How Not to Tip, Vol. 13, Issue 36

March 16th, 2014 . by Etiquetteer

First of all, Etiquetteer is writing about restaurant tipping only, and not the myriad of other service industries in which tipping is conducted.

Let’s establish that Etiquetteer has never been a fan of tipping. It is, however, the prevailing system in the restaurant industry, and regardless of how widely it’s disliked, it isn’t going away anytime soon. This means adapting to the prevailing tipping system of 15-20% of the total bill, depending on who you talk to. (Etiquetteer says 15%; other writers, and almost all restaurant server blogs, say 20%.) This also means tipping on the full amount of the bill if you are using a discount, coupon, or gift card. It is considered a kindness, when paying by credit card, to tip in cash so that the staff don’t have to claim it separately when their shifts are over.

Bad service is the most legitimate reason not to tip fully, or not to tip at all. Etiquetteer encourages you not to be petty over brief delays in service - well, really, Etiquetteer encourages you not to be petty. Now if a waiter forgets an entire order for a member of your party (and this has happened to Etiquetteer), if a waiter spills a strawberry margarita on your head, etc., then you have sufficient grounds. Etiquetteer acknowledges that bad service happens, and that there are waiters and waitresses (Etiquetteer dislikes the term “server,” but recognizes that that is an individual choice) who consistently perform poorly. Before tipping less than the standard percentage, consider also the circumstances. If the restaurant is full to bursting (think New York Saturday nights before the theatre, or Sunday anywhere after church - see below), delays in service are understandable; allowances must be made.

Quite possibly the worst, and certainly the most offensive, excuse not to leave a tip is proselytizing. Recently Etiquetteer discovered Sundays Are the Worst, a heart-breaking and angering blog about how poorly a segment of those who profess Christianity treat those who serve them. Pastor Chad Roberts and his congregation have created what might be the most innovative way ever to minister to a community in need; read how it came about here. Etiquetteer could spit tacks at some of the behavior exhibited - so much so that readers will have to peruse for themselves rather than read examples here. The Word of God may feed the soul, but it doesn’t sustain our bodies as well as those who leave tracts instead of tips might light to think.

It’s also worth pointing out that in a nation in which All Are Created Equal, it ill becomes anyone of any religion to behave as though they are “better” than anyone serving them. This doesn’t mean that we all have become Best Friends Forever with those serving us, but it does mean acknowledging our Common Humanity.


Entertaining with Allergies, Vol. 13, Issue 33

March 9th, 2014 . by Etiquetteer

Dear Etiquetteer:

We value our friends almost as much as we value our cat, and don’t wish to cause discomfort - or, on the other hand, exclude people. How should we decide the question of whether or not to invite persons with cat allergies to our abode?

Dear Catted:

By letting the Afflicted decide to accept or decline your invitation themselves. Allergies can sometimes be controlled sufficiently by medication, suppressing the allergic reactions enough to allow party attendance. Indeed, Etiquetteer himself has acquired with age an allergic reaction to Certain Felines, and knows to apply antihistamines before arriving.* But this is very much an individual choice, and if your Afflicted Friends feel it necessary to send regrets, you must accept them with compassionate understanding.

The allergies of your Afflicted Friends to your Feline Familiar, however, provide you the opportunity to entertain them in other ways, such as a backyard barbecue or a museum tour or a restaurant dinner. You’re still the hosts entertaining your friends, but in locations that eliminate or minimize their discomfort.

*Etiquetteer is not a doctor, and doesn’t even play one on TV. Consult your physician about possible solutions to allergic reactions that will work best for you.


How an Introvert May Party, Vol. 13, Issue 24

February 24th, 2014 . by Etiquetteer

Dear Etiquetteer:

What’s you best advice for introverts at parties?

Dear Introvert:

First of all, don’t stay away from the party! This is doubly true when your host is a close friend or relative, who may well understand that large gatherings make you uncomfortable at times. If the invitation is for something small, like a dinner party for eight people, the degree of comfort might be greater.

Before the party, there are a couple things you can do to make yourself feel more prepared. Usually it isn’t Perfectly Proper to ask who the other guests are going to be; this is because the pleasure of the host’s company is supposed to be a sufficient reason to accept the invitation. But under these circumstances, Etiquetteer will allow you to ask, at the time you accept the invitation, if mutual friends will also be there. Knowing that there will be at least one or two people there that you already know can help a lot.

You may also catch up on the news of the day before the party by reading that day’s newspaper or one of the news websites. This will give you a knowledge base to contribute to the conversation. If you and the hosts share a common interest, it’s likely that others at the party will, too.

If you’re really feeling anxious, ask how you can help. Passing hors d’oeuvres, for instance, still requires you to move throughout the room, but doesn’t really require a lot of small talk. But even helping to gather dirty glasses or discarded paper napkins gives you something to do and helps out the host. But do ask first; hosts can be fussy about how they like things done.

For large parties, roaming does help relieve the pressure of introversion. Tour the public rooms of the house. Etiquetteer, who occasionally suffers spasms of Party Overwhelm, particularly enjoys being entertained by friends who have a library to which retreat is possible during open houses. This is such a relief when the well of small talk has run dry, or when it just isn’t possible to stand up one more moment.

Do NOT bring a good book or spend all night on your smartphone texting (or pretending to text) people who aren’t there. That’s insulting to the host.

Finally, another introvert might also be there who needs reassurance that they aren’t the Only Introvert at the Ball. Here you have a common bond for conversation!

Now go forth and party, and be sure to send a Lovely Note the next day.


Possibly Contradictory Issues About Dieting and Hospitality, Vol. 13, Issue 9

January 28th, 2014 . by Etiquetteer

When is one’s Diet more important than Offered Hospitality? When is Hospitality more important than Diet? Sometimes the issues are clear, and sometimes they are not. Religious Diets and Fatal Allergies usually trump Hospitality, Personal Preference usually shouldn’t, with just about everything else, including Weight Loss and Doctor’s Directive, wandering in the middle ground.

Etiquetteer didn’t get very far in this article about the dangers of artificial sweetener because of the story that began it. A grandmother, who just happens to be a researcher of food sweeteners, told a hostess not to serve her little granddaughter any birthday cake at a birthday party because it was made with an artificial sweetener. Let’s leave aside the food safety issues for a moment and consider the etiquette of the situation. You’ve been invited into someone’s home for a party, which automatically means that some trouble has been taken to entertain you, and questioning the trouble your hostess has taken for you enough to suggest that it’s unsafe to eat. And on top of that, you’re telling a hostess not to serve a little girl a slice of birthday cake at a birthday party when everyone else is going to have cake?! This is where Etiquetteer would like to serve up a heaping helping of Shut Up and Eat! Only that wouldn’t be very Perfectly Proper, now would it?

A private home is not a restaurant, and it is not realistic for 21st-century hosts and hostesses (the overwhelming majority of whom haven’t hired a cook) to cater as specifically as some guests require. You can eat what you want at home. Adhere as closely as you can to your diet when you’re dining out, but please keep from overemphasizing it. Very many hosts make a point of accommodating vegetarians, which is a generous and gracious thing for them to do, by soliciting that information from their guests in advance.

Some related stories: the late Letitia Baldrige, in her diamonds-and-bruises memoir A Lady, First, told the story of one Kennedy White House state dinner when President Kennedy noticed a couple sitting near him weren’t eating anything? “Is the dinner all right?” he asked, to be greeted cheerfully by the reply “We’re Mormons, so we can’t take alcohol.” It turned out that every dish on the menu had alcohol in it! But this Mormon couple were clearly going to make the best of it with rolls and mints, and wouldn’t have said anything if the President hadn’t asked.

The late Gloria Swanson, famous in her later years as a vegetarian, would bring her own sandwich to dinner parties when invited out (whether to a home or a restaurant). Of course this works best on occasions when there’s a staff to slip it to on arrival with the instructions “When you bring the entree, just slip this on a plate for me. I’m on a diet.” The point is that Gloria knew enough not to inconvenience her hosts with her dietary needs and came prepared. She also didn’t make a big fuss about it.

And then there’s the late Ethel Merman, who brought a ham sandwich to Jule Styne’s Passover Seder, as recounted in Arthur Laurents’s wonderful memoir Original Story By Arthur Laurents. Jule Styne threw it on the floor and said “Ethel, you’re offending the waiters!” Which just goes to show that there are limits. Indeed, Etiquetteer has written before about how it’s not a good idea, even with a spirit of compassion and multiculturalism, to invite Orthodox Jews to Easter dinner and serve them a ham.

So . . . back to the children’s birthday party with the Artificially Sweetened Cake. In this case, Etiquetteer thinks Hospitality trumps Diet. At a children’s party Etiquetteer is most concerned about the children, and children, especially young ones, are eager to fit in. What needs to be saved in this situation? Three things: the little girl’s experience as a guest, the dignity of the hostess, and the responsibilities of the little girl’s grandmother, who, although Etiquetteer can’t really approve of what was reported, is doing her job as a Protective Grandparent. Rather than say anything to the hostess, Etiquetteer could almost wish that the grandmother had simply told her granddaughter that she couldn’t have any cake, even if it was served to her, and to make do with other refreshments. That way the little girl is still included as an equal with the other children, the hostess’s feelings have been spared, and the grandmother’s role as guardian is maintained. And if the grandmother is committed to eradicating Artificially Sweetened Cakes, she can always reciprocate with an invitation to her own home and serve a cake made with the Sweetener of Her Choice and nonchalantly raise the issue of what her research is uncovering about artificial sweeteners.

Etiquetteer feels sure you’ve encountered such an issue before, and would love to hear about it at queries <at> etiquetteer dot com.


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