|On Holiday Gift-Giving: I am writing to request a clarification on the “money-as-gift” issue. Are gift certificates acceptable gifts, and, if so, under what circumstances? A certificate is not quite money and, in the case of a mall-wide certificate, ensures that the recipient gets whatever s/he wants. I admit it is not the most creative gift, but avoids the unwelcome gift scenario (especially in the case of out-of-state teenaged nieces and nephews) and is at least one step removed from cash.Â Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer will condone, reluctantly, the giving of gift certificates. Heavens, they are so popular whether Etiquetteer does or not! But so often it looks like one didnâ€™t care to make the effort to find a real gift.Â Â Odd answer on tipping the personal trainer. He’s not an employee but a self-employed professional. Outside a narrow range of traditional professional service occupations (like hairdressers, etc.), professionals are distinguished by NOT being tipped; it actually contradicts the nature of being a professional and in certain circumstances can be sort of insulting (for example, in not-so-olden days, when it was the height of rudeness to tip the owner of a hairdressing shop). I am surprised you fell for the American habit of metastasizing the sphere of tipped occupations. I used to tip my body worker regularly, until I discovered it was very unusual, and only normal if extra time was devoted or an unusually difficult therapy was required (in other words, the session went beyond the normal work associated with the normal compensation — in which case, it’s not really a tip but adjusted compensation). Etiquetteer responds: As Etiquetteer said the first time around, â€śEtiquetteer prefers to think of it as a holiday bonus rather than a tip.â€ť And for personal trainers it is hardly required.Â Your comments to the man who got the birdhouse are so-o-o right on! Until her death, I used to get gifts from a cousin who chose everything with jewels on it. Have you ever seen a calculator with jewel buttons? An umbrella with a jeweled handle and ruffled to boot? Then there was the problem of industrial strength perfume! But they were gifts of love so your advice had I had it would have been perfect then as today.Â
On Lovely Notes of Thanks: Lovely Note Roulette is going to be a lifesaver. My parents taught me to write thank-you notes. In fact, I often didn’t even get to enjoy -looking- at the gift before paper and pen were thrust under my little hands. But after decades of notes, I feel mine have become, as you so aptly put it, dorkily inadequate. Now I am confident that my notes, as heartfelt as ever, will be all the lovelier for your help.Â Â Are you saying, then, that it would be appropriate for me to send your response to all those deadbeats out there as a not so subtle hint that I am awaiting a suitable arrangement of responses generated by Lovely Note Roulette?Â Etiquetteer responds: No, but you could forward that column saying that youâ€™ve been getting this terribly amusing etiquette column and perhaps theyâ€™d enjoy receiving it every week as much as you do . . .
On Etiquetteer: Thanks so much for you thoughtful reminders about the real meaning of the holidays. I, for one, appreciate that you take the time to reflect and shareyour thoughts on matters of such importance, which often are ignored in therush of the holidays.
Etiquetteer is the first e-mail I read on Monday morning!
Certainly you don’t lay awake at night conjuring up these atrocities ofetiquette misdemeanors? The language is great; the messages are well-taken, and the references are scholarly.
Etiquetteer responds: Thank you for your kind words! As others have asked as well, Etiquetteer will admit that every question published in the column has come from a reader. Except one, the question about singing the National Anthem in church, which is one of Etiquetteerâ€™s hot-button issues (and Etiquetteer knows that the church in question has blithely continued to ignore it, leaving Etiquetteer to praise Freedom of Speech as well as Freedom of Religion.)
On the Things on Dining Room Tables: Actually, the faint presence of slightly (emphasis on faint and slightly) pinkish marks on fine linen is a hallmark of long and loving use, like the patina on sterling flatware and the stains on chargers; the petty bourgeois thing is to try to keep these things ever-new . . .
Etiquetteer responds: Then Etiquetteer will have to admit to enough petty bourgeoiserie not to want to air his dirty laundry before guests . . .
Where, for heavens sake, does one find a replacement service for ancient glassware?
Etiquetteer responds: Not to get into the whole product endorsement thing,but www.replacements.com has gotten Etiquetteer out of a couple scrapes in the past.
I have just been gifted with a wonderful hostess gift that I have never thought about giving: a dozen very nice, cream-colored tapers. They were not gift wrapped, though tied with a lovely satin ribbon so I could see what was inside and not be obligated to open, ooh, and ahh. Since I adore lighting tall candles, this is a most welcome present as they are, of course, of the highest quality.
Etiquetteer responds: How delightful that you, like Etiquetteer, know only the very best people! Your guest obviously discerned your personal preference and acted accordingly.
On Politically Correct Speech: Ye gads, Etiquetteer, how dast you refer to a sightless person as “that poor miserable blind wretch” who was brave enough to attend the theatre? You surely must flinch as you re-read that reply. Or you should. I’m not objecting to the word â€śblind.â€ť It’s the poor, miserable wretch, terms that I save for l8th-Century references.
Etiquetteer responds: Etiquetteer is sufficiently chastened to hang his head for a moment, even though â€śpoor miserable blind wretch” was an accurate description of the theatergoer. Perhaps it would have been more sensitive to describe him as â€śwretchedâ€ť instead of call him a wretch.
That said, Etiquetteer adores the 18th Century, except for the plumbing, sexism, religious intolerance, health care, economic injustice, and corsets. Language was certainly more colorful then, and one does get mighty frustrated with the sanctimonious ostentation of bloodless “correct” terms like “visually-impaired” or “mobility-impaired.â€ť
ETIQUETTEER, Encouraging Perfect Propriety in an Imperfect WorldTo subscribe: firstname.lastname@example.orgTo unsubscribe: email@example.comTo submit questions: firstname.lastname@example.orgCopyright 2002, 2003 by Robert B. Dimmick
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